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Piercy and Morley poems were in mind. #3 with attempted edits (napowrimo).

I felt I was overdue for an update.

--

to be entered in a contest. critique it. stab it. rip it. the poem does not feel.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2012-04-21
let the dead rise by ~Phu-Phu-Hugs-Me ( Suggested by pretty-yin and Featured by ikazon )
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by =DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here: dailylitdeviations.deviantart.… Congratulations on your DD!

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article. Keep writing and keep creating.
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:iconpassionsinsanity:
PassionsInsanity Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I feel as if, overall, this poem is an extraordinary thought and feeling put on 'paper'. At first, it indeed may feel 'dislodged' but through the piece it makes sense. For me anyway.
The struggle of writing something that goes this deep is eminent throughout the poem and so utterly touching and striking. You tell no lies and decide to face the truth naked, which makes your words incredibly powerfull. If my mother died, this is what I would want to read and this is where I would find comfort. In ten, twenty years from now, I'll still remember this. This is beautiful. Amazing work.

:heart:
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:iconphu-phu-hugs-me:
Phu-Phu-Hugs-Me Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! Your comment is well appreciated :heart:
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:iconm-unificent:
m-unificent Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Yes.
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:icondonitard:
Donitard Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012
How did I get here? Oh poetry... Nice work, sorry for you loss.
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:iconarabesque-o:
arabesque-o Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012  Student Photographer
wow<3
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:iconmarianweaver:
MarianWeaver Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012  Professional Writer
This is an incredibly striking poem.

There is something of a disconnect between the early image of the paper, and the act of writing about the dead mother. It does settle upon re-reading, though.

The middle of the poem is the strongest - the repetition of 'I can write', suggesting the narrator is determined to substitute their own interpretation of events over the reality of the mother's death.

It's difficult to pick the narrator's age, however. On one hand, the stubbornness suggests someone quite young. On the other, the Abraham reference is sophisticated, as is some of the language. Without knowing your intent here, it's hard to make suggestions. Of course, having written that, it occurs to me that you may be deliberately keeping the voice ambiguous, in which case ignore what I just wrote. :)

All in all, though, this is the kind of poem that stays with you - the best kind.



:blackrose:
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:iconphu-phu-hugs-me:
Phu-Phu-Hugs-Me Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hi, thanks for dropping a comment (: Ah, I have noticed that disconnect! I think the poem may benefit more by the removal of the 'touch' aspect if I can't strongly tie it to the rest. Oh, the narrator's age -- it hadn't crossed my mind before, truthfully. I wrote (and have been reading) it from a sort of 'ageless' but general perspective of strong denial versus truth, since that is where I want the emphasis to lean. It will be something to keep in mind during the next revision.

Many thanks for your feedback :heart:
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:iconlit-twitter:
Lit-Twitter Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012
Chirp, congrats on the DD, it's been twittered. :)
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:iconphu-phu-hugs-me:
Phu-Phu-Hugs-Me Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
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:iconmimicke:
Mimicke Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
"I didn't intend to cocoon it beneath a shell
conditioned not to break. a pen, I am thinking, touching: I can write
"

There's a period before that a, so it must be "A", mayus.

Besides that, I won't comment anything else because English is not my strongest field (poetry either), and I'm not sure if I fully understood the text; but if I did, it was a strong feeling that I liked.

Good luck :).
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:icondahvievanityrules:
DahvieVanityrules Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012
This is...gorgeous o.o
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:icondovethunder:
DoveThunder Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012
I like this a lot! At first it's very choppy, detached, and seems to change subjects often. But by the end, I realized it wouldn't have seemed right it it hadn't been that way. It's a child's thoughts, and a child whose mother had just died. The poem ends up feeling very natural and complete by the end, which I think is just amazing. Your writing style is so unusual, but it's fresh and beautiful and interesting. Great work!
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:iconphu-phu-hugs-me:
Phu-Phu-Hugs-Me Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :aww:
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:icondovethunder:
DoveThunder Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012
You're welcome!
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:iconpagan-poetess:
pagan-poetess Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012  Professional Writer
congratulations!! this is an extremely well-deserved daily deviation :heart:
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:iconphu-phu-hugs-me:
Phu-Phu-Hugs-Me Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Why thank you (:
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:iconpagan-poetess:
pagan-poetess Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Professional Writer
you're very welcome :)
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:iconshady767:
shady767 Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012  Student General Artist
strong emotions well inked
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:iconlinnealieth:
linnealieth Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Beautiful. Your phrases are so unusual and fragmented, but they fit together so perfectly by the time the poem finishes. Also, I love the indentations and the way you broke up the stanzas.
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:iconphu-phu-hugs-me:
Phu-Phu-Hugs-Me Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you ♥
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:iconchaosphoenix198:
Chaosphoenix198 Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Beautiful, just beautiful. 'sniff'
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:iconpoeticwar:
PoeticWar Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012   Writer
I thought this was pretty good, overall.

S2 is quite woolly, particularly "indelicate...break". It's also worth considering whether the whole 'touch' line of thought in s1/s2 doesn't get rather left behind thereafter.

You might consider adding an article before 'lamb' -- otherwise it sounds a bit like the meat rather than the animal, or that you're straining to keep line-lengths similar.

Consider changing the title, too -- strays towards melodrama.

Ta.
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:iconphu-phu-hugs-me:
Phu-Phu-Hugs-Me Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the feedback :heart: I'll keep it mind when I edit and revise next.
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:iconmrs-freestar-bul:
Mrs-Freestar-Bul Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your poem is so beautiful. I wonder if we can share it on our Facebook page. DeviantArt Poets [link] For more exposure:salute:
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:iconphu-phu-hugs-me:
Phu-Phu-Hugs-Me Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Of course, share away! :B
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:iconmrs-freestar-bul:
Mrs-Freestar-Bul Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :bow:
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:iconblacknailpolishdays:
BlackNailpolishDays Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2012  Student General Artist
The line breaks are superb. I can't think of more to say until I return. :P
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:iconphu-phu-hugs-me:
Phu-Phu-Hugs-Me Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I can't seem to say anything worthwhile and fitting here, but I wish for you to know that I found this to be fantastic literature. :heart:
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:iconphu-phu-hugs-me:
Phu-Phu-Hugs-Me Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your comment is appreciated (: Thank you.
:heart:
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure. (:
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:iconpretty-yin:
pretty-yin Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2012  Student Writer
I like this form- you use it with incredible power. I love your word choice, and how you've taken a hard subject and made it real, poignant, and strong. You've sacrificed nothing in this work- not form, not word choice, not content. Beautifully done.
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:iconphu-phu-hugs-me:
Phu-Phu-Hugs-Me Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for such a lovely comment :heart:
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2012
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.
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:iconphu-phu-hugs-me:
Phu-Phu-Hugs-Me Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Always a pleasant surprise--thank you!
:heart:
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:iconnervpoison:
NervPoison Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2012
Interesting form, never seen anything quite like it. This is a painfully realistic portrayal of someone struggling against the reality of death, preceding the acceptance phase. The interplay between confusion and flat truth made this a more than interesting read. It shows that you are experienced in poetry.
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:iconphu-phu-hugs-me:
Phu-Phu-Hugs-Me Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :heart:
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